Stormy

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2016 it will begin offering customers a New discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest Retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of Marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.' Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Possum is not a white meat.

I was going to put this in Jokes, however after a second read, I decided it's too true to be funny, even if we are the Laughing Stock of the world. This is Canada 's Top Ten List of America 's Stupidity. Of course we look like idiots - we are! # 10 Only in America ... could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event. # 09 Only in America... could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanic # 08 Only in America... could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes. # 07 Only in America... can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash. # 06 Only in America... would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens. (probably should be number one) # 05 Only in America ... could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be called EXTREMISTS # 04 Only in America ... could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote. # 03 Only in America ... could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike). # 02 Only in America... could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money. # 01 Only in America.... could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all. Bonus: " Only in America do you have to pass a drug test to get a pay check, yet any crack head can get their welfare check no questions asked."

Both good ones

Client: Help! My phones aren't working! Me: Is the internet working? Client: No. Me: Are there any lights on the modem? Client: There's no light under the "internet" slot, no. Me: Have you tried restarting the Router by unplugging it and plugging it back in? Client: Yes, it didn't do anything. Me: Let me check the access point…. It appears our access point is offline, so there's definitely a problem. Client: Would that have anything with us turning the power off on the tower? Me: You mean the tower with all the ISP equipment? Client: Yeah - is that a problem? Me: Well, yes, if you turned off the power to the tower, that would explain why you don't have internet or phone access. Client: How soon can you fix everything? Me: How soon can you turn the tower back on? Client: Well, that might be a problem. We didn't turn it "off." We stopped paying the electrical bill for that because we didn't think it was doing anything. Me: You cut off the power to all of your ISP equipment, and now you want me to fix it from my end? Client: Yes! Please hurry. I hope he found a full minute of awkward silence helpful, because that's all he was going to get from me.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Nice way to spend a day.

well, with no instructions to the contrary, the answer is quite obviously 19

A guy is driving rural Alabama and he sees a sign in front of a tired old house with lots of deferred maintenance: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. he guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'Do You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's more full of s*** than Hillary Clinton; He's never been out of the back yard'

Neat trip for sure. Thanks for sharing, Nan.

reader-chat-log-8_20_2016.txt

I thought that would ring a few bells.

Excellent Koach, thank you. I've added them to the bottom of my channel pop ups, easy to get to there

I agree with TV

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

I go sleep now, foolish human person.

ouch

It sure helped me.

I recently (Early this weekend) upgraded to Windows 10. Everything went smoothly (I did have to reinstall quite a few programs, but they were all there and just needed to be reinstalled to ensure they worked correctly with 10) I lost a few older apps, but as I didn't recognize the names, I figured they were no great loss. The one problem I had that was making me fret somewhat was my Windows Live Mail. I was receiving fine, but could not send. In attempting to send I kept getting this error message: So I promptly raced over to Senor Google and pasted this search string: "What causes this error: Windows Live Mail Error ID: 0x800CCC0E Socket Error: 10060" I read down and found that one person had repaired the same error message by simply opening his email properties, clicking on the "Advanced" tab and in 'Outgoing email (SMTP) changing the Port from the default of 25 to 587. I did that and shazaam, my email now sends fine

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

LOL yep

I'm thinking no one needed that after all LOL

OK, thanks for letting us know and I'm glad you broke down and went to the ER. Sorry about the ankle but now it matches your knee

LOL

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy Birthday Nan!!