Stormy

I'm just awestruck, I have it but haven't figured out how to set the flags yet, I've been rather busy lately.

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty, but….there were extenuating circumstances.” The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story. “Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?” I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4-inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door. “Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.” Before I could shout NOOOO! she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite, ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.” “OK, you take care now,” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh, I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?” And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….” The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, “Case Dismissed!”

/me gives Nan some words to use

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. Then they ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

LOL

Top and Middle ones

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom's issues and can understand not being overly sociable at this time. Hopefully tests will show no major problem and life will return to normal soon. Take care.

The nice thing about that pacifier is that it can also be used as a toothpick

Sorry to hear that Dawn. Best wishes to Mom.

HAW HAW HAW

Good luck ganjax

Happy UnBirthday, Dawn

Don't forget haunted churches and mansions.

LOL

Nuclear Option has been declared for Mnuchin and Price. BTW: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/feb/1/vincent-tolliver-ejected-dnc-chair-race-over-criti/ DNC chair candidate ejected over criticism of Rep. Keith Ellison’s Muslim faith The DNC is in the process of rearranging their priorities. LBGTQ faction has apparently been kicked to the curb. Of course, we won't know for sure until after their election, Keith Ellison a Minnesota Democrat and the first Muslim elected to Congress seems to be the frontrunner.

This may come as a surprise to those of you who have never lived in Las Vegas. but there are more churches than casinos there. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services give chips rather than cash in the Offering Plates. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to easily redeem the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to their casino of origin and cashed in. . . . . . . . . . . . This is done by the Chip Monks HAHAHA, didn't see that coming did ya?

Tell a Conservative a lie, he'll get mad. To make a Liberal mad, you have to tell them the truth.

Thanks Smiley, we appreciate what you do for us.

Thanks Eyecu

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Oncet and Twicet are words. It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy! Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom? People actually grow, eat and like okra. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word jeet is actually a question meaning,'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You know what a hissy fit is.. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!! You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH. AND one more: Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

Bon Bon looks very lady like. Good girl.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

eggsullent idea

Very good, give him my congratulations, please.

Nice looking site Liam.