Stormy

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth all along. Let's see if we can see the Lord...? Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard,'One for you, one for me. That's all. ---Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...? They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

OKAY, never mind obout pasting, it only doesn't work in IE, it woirks fine in Google Chrome. Another reason to junk IE in favor of other browsers.

If ever you've wondered...."How did it all start?" Wonder no more! In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth!

Do you remember any of these men/? George Gobel comedian, Army Air Corps, taught fighter pilots. Johnny Carson made a big deal about it once on the Tonight Show, to which George said "the **** didn't get past us. Sterling Hayden , US Marines and OSS. Smuggled guns into Yugoslavia and parachuted into Croatia. Silver Star. James Stewart , US Army Air Corps. Bomber pilot who rose to the rank of General. Ernest Borgnine , US Navy. Gunners Mate 1c, destroyer USS Lamberton. 10 years active duty. Discharged 1941, re-enlisted after Pearl Harbor. Ed McMahon , US Marines. Fighter Pilot. (Flew OE-1 Bird Dogs over Korea as well.) Telly Savalas , US Army. Walter Matthau, US Army Air Corps., B-24 Radioman/Gunner and cryptographer. Steve Forrest , US Army. Wounded, Battle of the Bulge. Jonathan Winters , USMC. Battleship USS Wisconsin and Carrier USS Bon Homme Richard. Anti-aircraft gunner, Battle of Okinawa. Paul Newman , US Navy Rear seat gunner/radioman, torpedo bombers of USS Bunker Hill. Kirk Douglas , US Navy. Sub-chaser in the Pacific. Wounded in action and medically discharged. Robert Mitchum , US Army. Dale Robertson , US Army. Tank Commander in North Africa under Patton. Wounded twice. Battlefield Commission. Henry Fonda , US Navy. Destroyer USS Satterlee. John Carroll , US Army Air Corps. Pilot in North Africa. Broke his back in a crash. Lee Marvin US Marines. Sniper. Wounded in action on Saipan. Buried in Arlington National Cemetery, Sec. 7A next to Greg Boyington and Joe Louis. Art Carney , US Army. Wounded on Normandy beach, D-Day. Limped for the rest of his life. Wayne Morris , US Navy fighter pilot, USS Essex. Downed seven Japanese fighters. Rod Steiger , US Navy. Was aboard one of the ships that launched the Doolittle Raid. Tony Curtis , US Navy. Sub tender USS Proteus. In Tokyo Bay for the surrender of Japan. Larry Storch . US Navy. Sub tender USS Proteus with Tony Curtis. Forrest Tucker , US Army. Enlisted as a private, rose to Lieutenant. Robert Montgomery , US Navy. George Kennedy , US Army. Enlisted after Pearl Harbor, stayed in sixteen years. Mickey Rooney , US Army under Patton. Bronze Star. Denver Pyle , US Navy. Wounded in the Battle of Guadalcanal. Medically discharged. Burgess Meredith , US Army Air Corps. DeForest Kelley , US Army Air Corps. Robert Stack , US Navy. Gunnery Officer. Neville Brand , US Army, Europe. Was awarded the Silver Star and Purple Heart. Tyrone Power , US Marines. Transport pilot in the Pacific Theater. Charlton Heston, US Army Air Corps. Radio operator and aerial gunner on a B-25, Aleutians. Danny Aiello , US Army. Lied about his age to enlist at 16. Served three years. James Arness , US Army. As an infantryman, he was severely wounded at Anzio, Italy. Efram Zimbalist, Jr ., US Army. Purple Heart for a severe wound received at Huertgen Forest. Mickey Spillane , US Army Air Corps, Fighter Pilot and later Instructor Pilot. Rod Serling . US Army. 11th Airborne Division in the Pacific. He jumped at Tagaytay in the Philippines and was later wounded in Manila. Gene Autry , US Army Air Corps. Crewman on transports that ferried supplies over "The Hump" in the China-Burma-India Theater. Wiliam Holden , US Army Air Corps. Alan Hale Jr , US Coast Guard. Harry Dean Stanton , US Navy. Battle of Okinawa. Russell Johnson , US Army Air Corps. B-24 crewman who was awarded Purple Heart when his aircraft was shot down by the Japanese in the Philippines. William Conrad , US Army Air Corps. Fighter Pilot. Jack Klugman , US Army. Frank Sutton , US Army. Took part in 14 assault landings, including Leyte, Luzon, Bataan and Corregidor Jackie Coogan , US Army Air Corps. Volunteered for gliders and flew troops and materials into Burma behind enemy lines. Tom Bosley , US Navy. Claude Akins , US Army. Signal Corps., Burma and the Philippines. Chuck Connors , US Army. Tank-warfare instructor. Harry Carey Jr ., US Navy. Mel Brooks , US Army. Combat Engineer. Saw action in the Battle of the Bulge. Robert Altman , US Army Air Corps. B-24 Co-Pilot. Pat Hingle , US Navy. Destroyer USS Marshall Fred Gwynne , US Navy. Radioman. Karl Malden , US Army Air Corps. 8th Air Force, NCO. Earl Holliman . US Navy. Lied about his age to enlist. Discharged after a year when the Navy found out. Rock Hudson , US Navy. Aircraft mechanic, the Philippines. Harvey Korman , US Navy. Aldo Ray . US Navy. UDT frogman, Okinawa. Don Knotts , US Army, Pacific Theater. Don Rickles , US Navy aboard USS Cyrene. Harry Dean Stanton , US Navy. Served aboard an LST in the Battle of Okinawa. Robert Stack , US Navy. Gunnery Instructor. Soupy Sales , US Navy. Served on USS Randall in the South Pacific. Lee Van Cleef , US Navy. Served aboard a sub chaser then a mine sweeper. Clifton James , US Army, South Pacific. Was awarded the Silver Star, Bronze Star, and Purple Heart. Ted Knight , US Army, Combat Engineers. Jack Warden , US Navy, 1 938-1942 , then US Army, 1 942-1945 . 101st Airborne Division. Don Adams . US Marines. Wounded on Guadalcanal, then served as a Drill Instructor. James Gregory , US Navy and US Marines. Brian Keith , US Marines. Radioman/Gunner in Dauntless dive-bombers. Fess Parker , US Navy and US Marines. Booted from pilot training for being too tall, joined Marines as a radio operator. Charles Durning . US Army. Landed at Normandy on D-Day. Shot multiple times. Awarded the Silver Star and Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts. Survived Malmedy Massacre. Raymond Burr , US Navy. Shot in the stomach on Okinawa and medically discharged. Hugh O'Brian , US Marines. Robert Ryan , US Marines. Eddie Albert, US Coast Guard. Bronze Star with Combat V for saving several Marines under heavy fire as pilot of a landing craft during the invasion of Tarawa. Cark Gable , US Army Air Corps. B-17 gunner over Europe. Charles Bronson , US Army Air Corps. B-29 gunner, wounded in action. Peter Graves , US Army Air Corps. Buddy Hackett , US Army anti-aircraft gunner. Victor Mature , US Coast Guard. Jack Palance , US Army Air Corps. Severely injured bailing out of a burning B-24 bomber. Robert Preston , US Army Air Corps. Intelligence Officer Cesar Romero , US Coast Guard. Coast Guard. Participated in the invasions of Tinian and Saipan on the assault transport USS Cavalier. Norman Fell , US Army Air Corps., Tail Gunner, Pacific Theater. Jason Robards , US Navy. was aboard heavy cruiser USS Northampton when it was sunk off Guadalcanal. Also served on the USS Nashville during the invasion of the Philippines, surviving a kamikaze hit that caused 223 casualties. Steve Reeves , US Army, Philippines. Dennis Weaver , US Navy. Pilot. Robert Taylor , US Navy. Instructor Pilot. Randolph Scott . Tried to enlist in the Marines but was rejected due to injuries sustained in US Army, World War 1. Ronald Reagan . US Army. Was a 2nd Lt. in the Cavalry Reserves before the war. His poor eyesight kept him from being sent overseas with his unit when war came so he transferred to the Army Air Corps Public Relations Unit where he served for the duration. John Wayne . Declared "4F medically unfit" due to pre-existing injuries, he nonetheless attempted to volunteer three times (Army, Navy and Film Corps.) so he gets honorable mention. And of course we have Audie Murphy, America's most-decorated soldier, who became a Hollywood star as a result of his US Army service that included his being awarded the Medal of Honor. My generation grew up watching, being entertained by and laughing with so many of these fine people, never really knowing what they contributed to the war effort. Like millions of Americans during the WWII, there was a job that needed doing they didn't question, they went and did it, those that came home returned to their now new normal life and carried on, very few ever saying what they did or saw. They took it as their "responsibility", their "duty" to Country, to protect and preserve our freedoms and way of life, not just for themselves but for all future generations to come. As members of that "First" generation, We are forever humbly in their debt.

Happy belated Birthday Dawn

None of that looks good, there'll be a lot of clean up afterwards, even if no houses are affected and from the looks of it and with more rain coming, I'd not count the houses out quite yet.

LOL

dn't hear any tribute given to this wonderful creature when the credits were given out during the TV launching of the 911 museum in New York . Didn't know this : James Crane worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center .. He is blind so he has a golden retriever named Daisy . After the plane hit 20 stories below, James knew that he was doomed, so he let Daisy go , out of an act of love . She darted away into the darkened hallway . Choking on the fumes of the jet fuel and the smoke James was just waiting to die. About 30 minutes later, Daisy comes back along with James’ boss , who Daisy just happened to pick up on floor 112 . On her first run of the building, she leads James, James’ boss, and about 300 more people out of the doomed building . But she wasn’t through yet , she knew there were others who were trapped . So, highly against James’ wishes she ran back in the building . On her second run, she saved 392 lives. Again she went back in . During this run , the building collapses . James hears about this and falls on his knees into tears . Against all known odds , Daisy makes it out alive , but this time she is carried by a firefighter . “ She led us right to the people , before she got injured ” the fireman explained . Her final run saved another 273 lives . She suffered acute smoke inhalation , severe burns on all four paws , and a broken leg , but she saved 967 lives .. Daisy is the first civilian Canine to win the Medal of Honour of New York City ..

Hi Dawn, just wanted to pass on my thoughts here. As you enter and leave Beaumont Army Med Center there is a very interesting sign, in essence it says "It takes strength to seek help". We all miss you here and look forward to your return . . . Happy and healthy.

Happy 2015 Dawn. I hope to see you soon.

That looks a lot like what we call a Catfish here, with the smooth skin, it doesn't have scales does it? And does it have spines and/or whisker looking dangly bits off it's face?

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!

Stormy originally posted this in the Readers_Corner forum. I think it's a post that we all, not just the normal regulars at #readers_corner, will profit from and have taken the liberty of moving it to the General forum. While we have read this story before, especially at this time of year, it is a great reminder of who we are called to be. Think harder about choices… Two Choices What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. . My question is: Would you have made the same choice? At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' Then he told the following story: Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the Plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team 'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day! So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process? A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which The Last Post was played; This brings out a new meaning of it. Here is something everyone should know. Until I read this, I didn't know, We have all heard the haunting song, 'The Last Post.' It's the song that gives us the lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings. Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the American Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia ... The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of and. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier.. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as 'The Last Post' used at military funerals was born. The words are: Day is done. Gone the sun.. From the lakes From the hills. From the sky. All is well. Safely rest. God is nigh. Fading light. Dims the sight. And a star. Gems the sky. Gleaming bright. From afar.. Drawing nigh. Falls the night.. Thanks and praise. For our days. Neath the sun Neath the stars. Neath the sky As we go. This we know. God is nigh. I too have felt the chills while listening to 'The Last Post' But I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse . I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if you had either so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before. Remember Those Lost and Harmed While Serving Their Country. Also Remember Those Who Have Served And Returned; And for those presently serving in the Armed Forces.

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read... "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent." "Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick. They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will." The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."

That sounds like a good topic for discussion, my thoughts are similar to what Koach said, if we make it seem like homework, we'll probably be talking to ourselves. I don't have an answer for that, but it's a topic I think I'd enjoy as I've often thought about that topic, beginning with the James Patterson novels that are James Patterson and Unknown somebody.

How true

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

LOL, sometimes the old ones are still good. This refers to people as well as jokes

WOW, I coulda been a office boy a long time ago, what a waste

"How did your first husband die?" "He unknowingly ate poison mushrooms." "How did your second husband die?" "He unknowingly ate poison mushrooms, too." "Omigod! How did your third husband die?" "He died of a smashed-in skull." "That's horrible. How did that happen?" "He wouldn't eat the damn mushrooms."

Yeah, that was sort of a "Gotcha" at the end there.

"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

ROFL

That Salmon looks like it could take chunk if you're not careful.