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Henry

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Posts posted by Henry

  1. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. 

     

    "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

     

    The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. 

     

    The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. 

     

    "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" 

     

    "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods." 

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    An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in.
     
    Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
     
     
    "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
     
    "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
     
    "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
     
    He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
  3. Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil.
     
    They see a worm on the other side.
     
    So ... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim." 
     
     
    There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
     
    He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
     
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 

     

  4. Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.
     
    The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
     
    Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
     
    "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. 
     
    "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." 

     

     

  5. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

     

    He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

     

    Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

     

    The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

     

    This student got back his test and $56 change.

     

  6. There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
     
    Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. 
     
    Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
     
    When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. 
     
    The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." 
     
    Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." 
     
    The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again." 
     

     

  7. While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
     
    A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
     
    To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

     

  8. After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day.
    The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.           
                                 
                                                                                                               panda.gif
    This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
     
    The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait.
    To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
     
    Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
     
    Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
     
    "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
     
    When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
     
    The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
     

     

  9. An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
     
    His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
     
    Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
     
     
    He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything.
     
    This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
     
     
    As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
     
    they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
     
    The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
     
    This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. 
     
     
    The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
     
     
    On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
     
     
    "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

     

  10. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

     

    Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." 

     

     

    "Yes, sir," the boys said. 

     

     

    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 

     

     

    A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty." 
  11. Ingredients:

    1 kilogram (2.2 pounds) zucchini

    1 kilogram (2.2 pounds) small, slender white eggplant

     

    For the stuffing mix:

    4 cloves garlic

    2 cups rice, raw

    2 onion, minced

    2 tomatoes, minced

    1 teaspoon dried mint

    1 teaspoon black pepper

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 tablespoons dill, minced

    2 tablespoons parsley, minced

    2 teaspoons salt

     

    For soaking hollowed-out eggplants:

     

    about 1 liter water

    1 tablespoon salt

     

    For cooking:

    6 cups water

    4 bouillon cubes

     

    Instructions:

    1.  Mix all the ingredients for the stuffing mix in a large bowl.

     

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    2.  Prepare the zucchini and eggplant.  You will need a special kitchen tool for making dolma that helps you scoop out the insides of long, slender vegetables.  (I actually don’t know what this is called in English or Arabic – Anyone?)  You will use it gently dig in to the flesh, twist, and tug out the insides.

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    3.  Start with the zucchini.  Cut off the stem.  Take your time as you scoop out the insides and put them aside.  You can use them in the soup as the stuffed vegetables cook or for some other tasty dish.

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    4.  In order to make scooping the insides of the eggplant easier, it is advised to roll them with a rolling pin or your hands while placing pressure on the eggplant.  First, remove the stem part from the top of the eggplant.  Then roll.  After a few rolls, the eggplant will look a bit darker and will be squishy to the touch.  This will make hollowing out the insides much easier!  Just make sure that when hollowing the eggplant, you remove all the insides and discard them.  If some remain inside, you will have a bitter-tasting result!

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    5.  It is important that when you hollow out one of the eggplants, you soak it in a large bowl of water and salt until you have completed all the eggplants.  This will help reduce any bitter flavor.

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    6.  Prepare a pot.

    7.  Fill up the hollowed out vegetables with the stuffing mix, one by one.  It’s easiest to use your fingers for this part.  Leave between 1 to 1 and ½ inches (2.5 – 3.8 cm) of empty space at the end of the vegetable to give the rice room to expand and to prevent leakage as they cook.

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    8.  Arrange the stuffed vegetables in the pot.  Add tomatoes between layers.  Cover with a heavy plate to avoid movement while they cook.

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    9.  Prepare the soup.  Mix the water and the bouillon cubes and bring to a boil.

    10.  Pour the soup over the vegetables until it just covers the top layer.  Cover the pot and cook for 30-45 minutes.

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    Nutritional Information (for 1 of 25 pieces):

    Calories: 77; Fat: less than 1; Cholesterol: 0g; Carbohydrates: 15g; Fiber: 1g; Protein: 1g

     


     

    Enjoy



  12. a blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.

     

    All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

     

    The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

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