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Henry

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Posts posted by Henry

  8. Warning sign !

    in Jokes

    Posted

    A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

     

     

    The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

     

     

    He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. 

     

     

    The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" 

     

  9. Strange grants given

    in Jokes

    Posted

    The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

     

    LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:

     

    According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.

     

    Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.

     

    Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.

     

    Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.

     

    A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

  10. I married into the family

    in Jokes

    Posted

    A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

     

     

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

     

     

    As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

     

     

    "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." 

     

  11. He's in Georgia

    in Jokes

    Posted

    Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.

     

    When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

     

     

    The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

     

     

    The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

  13. life in Australia

    in Jokes

    Posted

    There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. 

     

     

    After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 

     

     

    'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments.

     

    One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 

     

     

    'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 

     

     

    'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.' 

     

  15. a Software Engineer

    in Jokes

    Posted

    a Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting.

     

    They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.

     

    The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.

     

    The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes.

     

    What were they to do?

    "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

     

    "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. 

     

    I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

     

     

    "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

     

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